Disciplining Children: A New View

The root of the word: discipline is disciple. A disciple is someone that we follow with love. Isn't that what our children already do? They naturally imitate us and follow us with unconditional love.Child behavior problems may arise when they don't have proper adult models to imitate.

How do we provide children with a proper model? Before we begin disciplining children, we must first practice self-discipline so that we offer our children a model to follow along with our loving guidance.

Be the Tree

In order to be like a tree — a rooted, unwavering presence for our child — we must take care of ourselves.

• Knowing your values and beliefs and modeling those qualities
• Self-control, being aware of your thoughts and feelings and how they affect your actions
• Attention, focus on what you do want rather than what you don't
• Self-care, seeing the best in yourself and taking care of yourself
• Change, being willing and knowing you can only change yourself
• Connection to others by showing love and care

When you have created a family culture that is functioning in a balanced way, many issues of disciplining children or child behavior problems are handled. When children are secure in what is expected of them, behavior issues become little to non-existent. However, when behavior is not satisfactory, think about:

• What is happening in your whole family? Are there too many scheduled activities? Or not enough sleep? Is a family member stressed or ill? Is there too much media?
• What is happening for you? Are you well rested or hurried and anxious? Finding your inner calm dramatically changes the behavior and responses of those around you.

Out On a Limb

Children and teens are most adversely affected by parental inconsistency. When children don't know what to expect, they become anxious, nervous, aggressive or withdrawn. When children know what to expect in their lives, they are able to relax, learn and explore with confidence. Being too strict one day and overly indulgent to make up for it the next is confusing. Decide with your parenting partner (and with child, as age appropriate) what the ground rules are for your family. Then stick to them! When behavior management is needed:

• Offer a distraction
• Be firm and kind
• Speak with conviction rather than anger
• Take action – show children what is needed
• Give logical consequences
• Time-outs, use sparingly or not at all
• Take a parent time-out
• Interpret the situation with specific language
• Avoid asking "Why did you do that..."
• Be consistent

How you discipline now will evolve into how your child disciplines himself. They are learning the skills that they will carry into all of their future relationships.

Off the Deep End

When things have gone too far a family coach can help. A coach will encourage you to look towards an improved future by asking you, "What do you want instead?" You might say something like, "I'm off-track, I'd like things to be better, I'm willing to make some changes."

It is important that your children recognize that you're willing to make changes to improve your family life — you might ask them what they would like to change.

Begin by stating what you want in the positive — what you do want, not what you don't want. Find areas that can be negotiated, always taking into account your family values and personal safety. You may find that disciplining children has taken on a whole new meaning.