He Is So Angry!
ALL the TIME!
You've asked yourself a million times (like many parents), "WHY is he so angry all the time?!"
You do your absolute best to give him options, choices, and plenty of rewards - and still, he gets so angry!
Moms in the Boys Alive! Facebook group shared their experiences:
When he doesn't get his way - he yells, cries, and throws a tantrum.
When I tell him something he doesn't want to hear - he yells, slams doors, and says he hates me.
When he's frustrated - even when his clothes feel too tight - he kicks, hits, and yells.
A mom expressed relief to know that her son was not the only one with "this problem."
A dad said he thought he was the only one who got angry with his kid.
Another thought that it was HER - how she was reacting to him, that she wasn't supporting him effectively.
I'm so glad to tell you that IT IS NOT YOU.
YOUR BOY IS DESIGNED TO EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS IN A PHYSICAL WAY -- and, mostly, that looks like anger.
Anger feels like a good fit for many boys because its physical, its impulsive, its quick - he doesn't have to stop and think about his thoughts or process his feelings - or find words to express it all.
It's just so much easier to kick a chair!
Except...we want him to understand, feel, and be able to process the full range of emotions available to him as a human being.
We don't want to deny our boys their anger.
We DO want to help him manage it and use it appropriately.
Before we can do that it is imperative that WE understand the emotion of anger so that we can help him understand and manage it.
The Boys Alive! Learning Lab: Boys and Anger is designed to do just that.
This 90-minute, in-depth, live class guides you in exploring many the aspects of anger:
How you react to his anger;
How to help him understand and manage his feelings of anger;
Learn the practical strategies to help him move beyond anger.
When your boy is angry - whether it is the out-loud anger or the hide-in-his room anger - your task is to acknowledge his feelings, then help him understand and navigate through them.
Later, take a step back and examine what he might be masking with his anger.
Is he nervous, scared, frustrated, sad, disappointed, embarrassed?
Does he have a physical pain or hurt feelings?
Is he feeling criticized or judged?
Is he feeling pressured academically or socially?
When you've got an idea of what might be the root cause of his anger then you have the background knowledge to help him resolve it in a more pro-active, socially-friendly way.
I like Rosalind Wiseman's SEAL process, described in her book, "Masterminds and Wingmen." Learning this process will help him begin to put his feelings into words and help him deal with the person he is angry with.
She describes SEAL as a four-step process:
STOP and SET it UP: Breathe, look, listen, think. Where should you confront the person? Now in public, or later in private.
EXPLAIN: what happened that you don't like, want or are worried about? What do you want instead? This step enables the problem to be clearly stated.
AFFIRM and ACKNOWLEDGE: Affirm your right to (or another's) to be treated with dignity and acknowledge everything you've done to contribute to the problem.
LOCK in or LOCK OUT: If you're in a friendship with this person, decide whether you want to continue, and on what terms.
The SEAL process allows for social competency and speaking up for one's own dignity, with the "ultimate goal of having the truest control possible over yourself and the situation."
A great strategy for all of us to have!
Whether your son is 2, 10, 14, or 17 - you've faced his angry-self and it can feel intimidating and scary for you. That can be hard to admit. Yet, it's just another step in the process of understanding anger.
If you were raised with an angry parent, no wonder you're triggered when your son is expressing his anger at full volume!
In the Learning Lab, you'll learn strategies to recognize and release your own story around anger so that you are more able to help your son learn how to 'make friends' with his anger.
Above all, don't take his anger personally.
Even when he says he hates you - he's really only telling you that he feels he has no control of the situation. Remember, "He has no idea what these words mean to your adult ears," explains Dr. Anthony Rao in "The Way of Boys.
"Develop your poker face and understand that when he's saying those things to you he is really saying, "I'm not getting my way right now."
Sage advice from Dr. Rao, "It won't last. Ignore them as best you can. They will pass."
Get the help you need to navigate his anger in the Boys Alive! Learning Lab.
And because boys are so visual, maybe these graphics from The Home Teacher will help!
*Join the Boys Alive! community below for updates and more.*