Have you ever struggled with setting boundaries and then worried whether you’re doing the right thing - or not?

Our kids were BORN to push boundaries.

Our job is to confidently allow them to push - without caving in and letting them run the show.

Expect limits to be tested, boundaries to be negotiated - and renegotiated - and ultimately, to be broken.

It’s their job.

But how do you know if you’re setting the ‘right’ boundary? And how do you know when it’s time to change the boundary? 

Think of boundaries like penning a pony - the fence is there for safety - both their own and for dangers that lurk outside the fence. The pen is quite small for a newborn and expands as they grow until they are able to be on their own in an open field. 

Boundaries are trust made visible.

There are boundaries for safety - the non-negotiables like seat belts and bike helmets.

There are boundaries that show your trust in his new capabilities and responsibilities - he does his homework without your reminder and looks out for his little sister.

Trust builds little by little. As Brene’ Brown said, “Trust is like putting marbles in a jar.” He does something trustworthy and a marble gets added. Trust isn’t a given, however, it can and does get broken - but, thankfully, it can also be re-built over time.

Setting the ‘right’ boundary - 

Knowing what limits to set can be difficult. Here’s where it’s important to check in with other parents. Dads can be especially helpful, too, when you ask them what they think an appropriate boundary would be. Likely a father’s boundary is going to be a little more expansive than yours - trust what he says.

Changing the boundary - 

As your son grows, it’s time for you to reset the boundary line. It may sound something like this, “I see you’re taking more responsibility for your school work ...let’s extend your curfew for the next 2 weeks and see how it goes.”

Or you may ask, “What do you think a reasonable amount of screen time is?”  Together, weigh out all the other expectations of his time - school, exercise, friends, family. Then ask, “Do you want to come up with a plan or make one together?”  (Hint: Be willing to give a little...he says 3 hours on screens, might you offer up 3.5?)

How do you know when you’ve got it right?

When you shift from managing him to coaching him, from controlling to guiding, to listening to him more than speaking at him - you’re getting there!  As he gains more and more confidence and competency in himself and his choices, the trust between you continues to grow.

When he was young, you provided the safety net he needed for his false starts and mistakes. As he grows older, you know the safety net will always be there, he knows it, too. But now the safety net is trust, love and respect for each other.

Congratulations - you’ve raised an adult!