Why is He So Angry All the Time?
“WHY is he so angry all the time?”
“WHERE does all the yelling, screaming, tears, throwing, and slamming doors come from?”
You do your absolute best to give him options, choices, and plenty of rewards and still - he gets so angry!
The magnitude of his emotions often seem to outweigh the situation. It feels scary, too, as he grows bigger and stronger and still can’t seem to manage his anger.
You aren’t alone - parents in the Boys Alive! Community shared their experiences:
When he doesn’t get his way - he yells, cries, and throws a tantrum.
When I tell him something he doesn’t want to hear - he yells, slams doors, and says he hates me.
When he’s frustrated, even when his clothes feel too tight - he kicks, hits, and yells at me.
When parents realize that they aren’t the only ones walking on eggshells around their boy, there are often tears of relief. From feeling like you’re the only one who loses it with your kid or that you’re the only one who has been kicked or punched by your son in anger - knowing that you aren’t alone - and that there is help - is a welcome collective sigh.
His anger isn’t your fault.
In my work as an educator and family coach, I’ve guided thousands of parents through their son’s angry outbursts and I’m here to tell you - there is hope.
First, no blame or shame. It’s not you. It’s not your son.
We human beings are designed to express emotions...we cry at a sweet movie, we feel butterflies when we’re excited...and, we feel angry when we’re hurt, afraid, ignored, or overwhelmed.
ANGER lies very close to the surface - it can show up quickly, sometimes surprisingly, and we seem to have little control over it - and that’s as an adult! No wonder our boys have even less ability to control it.
Anger is loud, scary, abrupt, and dangerous. But just like all emotions, we must normalize anger and help our sons learn to express this feeling in a healthy way, along with all the other more “acceptable” emotions.
Anger and boys seem a natural fit because it is:
Expressed physically
Doesn’t need a lot of words and explanation
Is impulsive and reactive
It’s just so much easier to kick a chair or lash out at you with hurtful words than it is to cool off and talk about it.
Easier said than done.
To understand why he might be so angry all the time, start here:
#1. Understand the cultural, school, and peer messages he receives about expressing emotions as a male. He’s likely realized that it's okay to be angry but it’s not okay to be embarrassed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or afraid.
#2. Uncover your own relationship with anger. How was anger expressed (or not) in your family of origin? Did you have an overly angry parent? Or was silence the acceptable way to manage anger?
#3. Move beyond your own reaction to his anger. Knowing when, how, and what questions to ask him are the first steps to helping him figure out the roots of his anger. Only then can you help him resolve his anger-fueled issues in a more appropriate and healthy way.
#4. Learn new strategies to help him develop his emotional vocabulary including his angry feelings. Age-appropriate strategies can teach him positive ways to deal with his BIG emotions.
Clearly, there is work to be done - as a society, in schools, and at home. It’s tough to do without guidance, a sounding board, and support. The Boys Alive! Community is here to connect you with like-minded parents and help you understand and resolve anger issues so that you can reconnect with your boy and enjoy being his parent again!
P.S. Don’t take his anger personally - consider it his call for help. How will you answer?